paintedonsmiles

email to bryce

2004-11-27T02:45:58Z

mom and i were talking about putting the tree up this afternoon. you know what i was thinking about? last year when i went to help put the tree up, i left my yahoo on and when i came back, i had about a dozen messages from you telling me everything that was bothering you and how much better you felt being able to share it with me and how much i meant to you and how you would always be there for me and id never be alone and it was one of the first tiems i think that you said "i love you" and made me get butterflies. it was one of the first conversations i saved between the two of us. it meant that much to me. and now i feel like thats gone. just like tonight when you and gabby were disagreeing. the fact that you couldnt tell me hurt. its not just tonight though, its always. i never feel like you can tell me whats going on. maybe its because ive changed, maybe you've changed, i dont really know. maybe we just arent what we used to be. i miss it. i know weve talked about this before and we both realize thigns are different, and neither of us know how to get back to where we were. thats my new years resolution for next year (except its starting a month earlier and this one i will actually stick with). i want us to be how we used to be. i want to be able to stay up until the morning hours talking to you about anything and everything going on. i want you to be the first person i turn to when something is going on instead of turning to wordpad. i want to be the one that you go to for everything. if i cant be the one youre with, i want to be your best friend again bryce. i dont want to make you mad with this or hurt you or anything, but i dont know, i just needed to say a few things. i love you so much bryce. youre one of the very few people who mean the world to me. and im sorry that i dont act that way. im sorry for all the times ive taken you for granted or taken my anger out on you when you didnt deserve it. im sorry for the times ive hurt you or made you mad or anything else.im going to end it here because im rambling and im crying and my nose is all snotty now (which im sure you love knowing).

paintedonsmiles @ 2004-11-16T21:30:00

2004-11-17T02:31:13Z

Know what’s stupid?

No, know what’s really, really hey-lets-light-this-on-fire-and-see-what-happens ridiculous-type stupid?

Lately, I’ve been feeling guilty that I’m so happy.

Really.

Okay, maybe happy is the wrong word. Let’s try content. Right, that’s better. As of late, I have been content. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m perfect, or that I skip along through life, blissfully unaware of oh, you know, reality. I have my bad days, but on the whole, and especially right now, things are pretty good. I have no big problems facing me, and I can easily take care of/overlook the small ones.

But I get a strange sort of guilty feeling when I hear about my friends’ problems or when I read diarists who rant about their problems (Don’t get me wrong, the ranting bit is okay by me; it’s most likely what the diaries are for anyway).

I guess I feel bad because I don’t deserve happiness any more than these people do. If anything, they deserve it much more. That’s why I feel guilty. Because I want to fix the world. I would take my friends’ problems on me in a second, just so they could have peace. Is it selfish of me to think that I could handle your hurt better than you can? That sounds so horrible, like you’re inadequate somehow. You’re not. This is just me being…I don’t know.

I just want to take you by the shoulders and tell you, “Look, just follow steps 1-5 of ‘Carrie’s Guide to Contentment’ and everything will be okay,” but I tried that sort of approach once, and it didn’t work so well. I tend to hand out solutions, when what these people need is empathy. I’m sorry. I don’t really know any other way, but I’m learning.

I can’t fix your problems. As much as I would love to just take away your worries and fears, and comfort you when you cry, I really can’t.

But I do know Someone who can.

paintedonsmiles @ 2004-10-13T23:39:00

2004-10-14T03:44:26Z

I love pain. I love to hurt. When I'm happy, something just doesn't feel right. That's why I do things purposely that I know will cause me pain.

I wish I could put into words right now how I feel. For lack of a better way to say it, I hurt.

And it's my own fault once again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I never thought it would come down to this. To the two of us standing here looking down the road and watching the cars turn the corner before they reach us. I never thought there would be a time to say goodbye. But here we are standing outside my door underneath the stars hearing the rain slowly drip, drip, drip down my rooftop in the middle of the night.

Who would have guessed that it would be you and me here? I look to the heavens for an answer; for forgiveness. For anything that could free me from this spot. I don’t want to be standing out here in the cold looking into your eyes searching for a semblance of emotion that could tell me I’m not a stranger to you. I wouldn’t even mind a flicker of recognition. Instead, your eyes are focused on the motion sensor light by the side of my house as you watch the bugs crowd around flying into each other in their fight for death. You avoid my eyes just as you avoid remembering.

I can’t help but remember. Don’t you remember that night when the two of us sat on your roof and watched as the sun went down and the moon came up to replace her? A full moon that night – so full that the sky seemed to burst with the brightness of it all. The stars were more than tiny sparkles; they were flames in the night and the only other thing in the world other than the night sky was you and me. We sat there for hours and you held me like I have always wanted to be held. You promised me that you would never let me go.

So, what happened to us? How can it be that we are standing outside my house like this? How can it be that you are standing so far away? That your eyes are so empty? That when I reach out my hand to touch you, to grab your shirt and make you stay, you push me away? Something changed. What happened? Where did we go wrong?

I struggle to keep myself in the present out here with you, but I find myself lost in my memories, a whirlwind of color and emotion playing in my mind. How can you push me away? We’ve been friends for so long, been through so much... I thought we would be together forever. I falter and find my cheeks wet with tears. I stalk out to stand in the road. Let the car hit me. Please, let it just hit me. It rounds the corner never coming close to where I stand. I plead silently with the darkness just wanting the night to end; wanting all of it to end. I wonder if you’d miss me.

I force myself to look at you. Your eyes, once so tender and caring, look back at me with distance as if you can’t see me as I am in the moonlight. You look through me and down the road watching the cars, mesmerized by their lights and power. Look at me. Please, I beg. We can make it through this. We can! Whatever it is, whatever I did…I can change. I can be whoever you want me to be. Just please, don’t tell me this is it. It can’t end like this. Not for us!

You don’t hear me or my words fall on deaf ears. You ignore my pleas and turn away. I think for a second that I see your shoulders sag with the weight of what you just did, but when I blink, you are standing tall once more. You and your damnable pride. Your fucking dignity. I don’t even know what I did! I yell over and over again and I hear my voice echo back at me. I love you! How can you walk away from me?

I can’t stop the tears anymore and my voice cracks when I say I love you. I blink furiously trying to keep you in my sights as if it will keep you from walking out of my life. Don’t go…it’s a whisper. It’s all I have left to say. Please don’t go…

I fall to the ground in a heap, sobs wrenching themselves from my body. I sit there for what feels like an eternity before I hear footsteps coming towards me. I look up expecting to see you there offering your hand to me asking for forgiveness for what you’ve put me through, for what you’ve almost done, but instead, I see my mom. She’s worried about me but doesn’t show it. Instead, she shoots questions at me like daggers. Where I have been? Why am I not inside? Who am I talking to out here in the middle of the night? They are accusatory questions and they inflict more damage than I can show.

I never stand up to my mother. She comes over to me and pulls me up by my waist. Get up now before the neighbors see you. It’s not a request; it’s a demand. She yanks me up to stand tall before I’ve balanced myself properly. Get inside the house before you catch your death of cold.

But mom…

That’s all I manage to get out before she hushes me and shoves me inside. From my window, I can see the street. I can see the streetlights reflect off the shiny pavement. See the rain as it splatters the sidewalk. I can see where I was sitting on the ground, cuddling my body for warmth, rocking myself against the street hoping it wasn’t real.

I know he’s gone now. He drove off while I was crying. He didn’t even really say goodbye; just the obligatory “it’s over” and then the empty stares while I tried to understand. I try to cut off the flow of memories in my mind and block out the “you’re wonderful’s” that were once so lovingly whispered in my ears. They mean nothing now.

I sit by my window and wait for the sun to rise and dry the rain before I move from my room. I’m alone now. Nobody is around and nobody would miss me if I was gone.

Angry thoughts tumble through my mind and I contemplate the fastest way to end it all.

It is then that I remember the present you gave me. I rifle through my dresser until I find the box trapped beneath old school assignments and my yearbooks. With a silent reverence, I lift the lid and see the light glint off the silver. It was an unique gift and I remember trying to figure out what would possess you to buy it for me.

Now I know. You knew it would end. You gave me an end.

I lift the blade from its sheath and admire the details etched into the hilt. I know it’s almost over as I run the blade smoothly against my skin. A drop of blood spills over. I dig the knife into my arm, bury it in my blood and admire my handiwork before I drop to the floor.

You knew it would end like this. You always knew…

let's be honest insert knife and twist

2004-10-13T02:46:52Z

i've spent the past three hours writing down any thought that happened to appear in my head. i've typed for most of the afternoon, taking a break to write my english paper, talk to lizzy and do a quick entry so i could forget what it was like in my mind right now.

i'm scared.

i'm scared because when i was talking to jeremy earlier, when i was misinterpreting the things he was saying, i was back there. back in that place. back with the shakes. back with the anger. back with the doubts. back with the insecurities. back with the struggle between believing in friendship and backing away from it. i was back in a conversation i had with adam. and my first instinct after "i want you to be happy, dammit" was to scream at you to fuck off, that it was all over, that i was leaving, that i had to get away, and that was fucking scary. i sat there staring at the screen after you interrogated me about aaron and my "feelings" for him and why i was shaking. and then you say that you want me to be happy...that i don't deserve to have shit piled on me...and then i have to shake my head in disbelief...who's doing the piling?

i'm not trying to be hurtful. i'm trying to be honest.

"'i'm not trying to accuse you of lying or anything." you might as well have slapped me open palmed across my face, raked your nails down my cheeks, spat in my face...i have tried so hard to move away from that. from those fucking memories. i am not a liar. and i sure as hell hope that if i had feelings for him, i would have the decency to tell you. but since i don't, don't fucking brush it off like oh well, at leave we've discounted that theory now.

i'm not accusing you of anything. like i said, i am just trying to be honest. i need to unload all of these thoughts now before i go insane.

i realized after writing half a page in word of random thoughts that i actually have a lot going on in my mind that i am just too chicken to talk about. there is a part of me that wishes i didn't keep this diary now. i miss my privacy. don't get me wrong, it is the fastest way for anybody to find out about my life. and i like that it keeps me from having to tell people the same fucking stories over and over again especially when i didn't particularly like the story the first time. but some days i need to have my thoughts to myself without worrying about what people will think about the words i write and the way that i write them.

i'm debating just copying and pasting the whole thing in here but i think that would just end up making things more complicated anyway. and i don't want things to be complicated. honest, yes. complicated, no.

so i figure instead i will just deal with everything right now, as it comes to me. and to hell with whatever it is that i say.

first of all, the whole aaron thing. i can honestly say that i don't have feelings for him. yes, it was exciting to see him. i haven't seen him since i was "forbidden" to. it was nice to see him. he was one of the few guys that respected me. so yes, it was fucking nice to see him. and i don't know why it made me shake. i couldn't tell you. it wasn't an "ohmygodohmygodohmygod" type of shaking. it wasn't "oh crap, i'm nervous. what is he doing here?" type of shaking. it wasn't a "*sigh* i've missed you. where have you been these past few years?" type of shaking. i don't know what it was. okay? i can't tell you and i'm sorry that that doesn't comfort you a great deal and i'm sorry that it scared you. but what would you like me to do? i could start censoring myself but that defeats the whole purpose of having an honest friendship.

i feel like i'm back to how i used to be. always on the defense. but only until my temper gets going and then i explode and watch out. i know how to use words like daggers and to find the weakness and use it. wield it like the blade it is. i feel like i'm back to explaining my actions. only now there isn't anything to explain. but when i say that, it seems so inadequate and doesn't do anything to assuage any fears.

i don't want to be scared of what my words or thoughts or feelings will do. i miss how things were before. the excitement, the dedication, the emails...oh god, the emails...i miss those so much. i miss how much i used to miss you, if that makes any sense. don't get me wrong, everything i felt, i still feel.

just now you said "i don't get what's missing. that's all...i mean, i try my best to show you what you mean to me and how i really am there for you...and it's not enough...and i'm not laying blame...i just want to know what's missing."

ever stop and think about that? i know that you are here for me and that i am important to you. that i mean something to you. that wasn't what was questioned.

maybe you didn't mean to, but you questioned me. you put everything that i believe about myself into question and now that i have explained myself to you, to your satisfaction, then its okay to move on and for you to support me the way you say you do.

that's what i'm thinking right now.

you doubted me. now that i have taken the time to tell you that i don't have feelings for him, you think it wasn't a big deal...i have trouble believing that you believed my word the whole time.

it's always easier to say you believe me once it's over.

i just hate that now i doubt myself. and more than that, now i doubt the things i believe in the most: new beginnings, friendship, hope...

what could you have done differently? i don't know. not made a thing out of it? waited until you knew what it was you were asking me before you asked? until you knew what you were asking of me?

i don't know.

guess that's both of us that don't know then.

*deep breath*

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

two entries in one day...there must be something wrong with me. so yeah, that was written earlier after/during a massive fight with jeremy.

i mentioned in my last entry that amy was engaged. it's odd because the two biggest things that have happened in my life in the past couple months i didn't write about in here. one of those things is amy. amy is one of the girls i worked at the bookstore with. we became really close in the short time we worked together. spending 10-12 hours a day for 5 (sometimes 6) days a week and hanging out on weekends really allows you to get to know someone. amy seemed to be this good, christian down-to-earth person. she seemed so sweet and so innocent. she also seemed smart. a couple weeks into school, she disappeared. no one knew for sure if it was intentional or if she had been kidnapped by her boyfriend, eric and his best friend, chase. i worried so much about her. it broke my heart that something bad could be happening to her and there wasn't anything that could be done about it. three weeks later, she came home. eric, chase and amy had run off to hawaii together. this was the first time that i truly realized how little common sense she had. how gullible she was. how influential some guy she had known a month was. i ran into jialita (another girl i worked with) today and she was telling me some stuff that had been going on with amy. amy is now engaged to eric. this was the second incident that truly opened my eyes to how stupid amy is. she met this guy in august. she barely knows him. before getting engaged, eric had to go to north carolina for military stuff. while he was away, he asked chase to keep an eye on amy because he didn't trust her apparently. so amy and chase became close. amy's parents went out of town and amy had some friends over. chase was one of them. she asked him to stay the night and kissed him. she then blocked the door when he tried to leave and pretty much threw herself at him. she questioned why he didn't like her like that and asked if it was because of eric. um, hello. eric is your boyfriend. of course it's because of him. now she has eric and chase hating each other. to make it all worse, amy knows that jialita and chase are "talking" and have been for some time. but that didn't matter to her obviously when she made the move on chase. it's all this big dramatic mess. almost makes me glad that amy hasn't called me since before she disappeared. i'm through trying to help people and trying to be there for them when they want nothing to do with me. amy has no idea the things that anyone went through when she decided to take a three week vacation and not let anyone know. i hope she doesn't come back to the bookstore in december. i don't want to work with her. i don't want to have to be around her. and after giving me this big speech about how she was a virgin and how saving herself was so important, she went and lost her virginity to eric...in the backseat of a car. yeah, such a good christian girl...and another thing, amy has always had a thing for chase. i asked her once if she even liked eric and she goes "not particularly. but i'm in love with him, so i guess i have to like him." now does that really sound like someone who is ready to be engaged to this guy that she doesn't even like? i think she's using him. she used to always talk about how she wanted out of her house and out of bardstown and away from her parents and everything. eric is her window out of there. he's her chance to escape it all and finally end up where she wants to be. oh yeah, and another thing. she dropped out of college for this guy. all her hopes and dreams just went out the door like that because he didn't want her in school and she didn't think she could get caught up after missing three weeks.

another big thing that happened lately was that i bought a truck. um, almost two weeks ago actually. i'd post pictures and tell you how excited i am, but i can't. after two days of having my truck, the transmission went out. the guy at the dealership apologized and said he would pay to have it fixed. they came and got my truck 8 days ago. they promised to have it done by yesterday. dad called them today to see if they were almost done. they haven't even started it. they don't even have the transmission that they are putting in it. it fucking pisses me off so much. i want my damn truck back.

this entry has become long enough. i apologize to anyone who actually read the whole thing. i needed to rant.

Catch A Thought

2004-10-10T02:22:13Z

Sometimes there is a stray thought floating across my mind that I am sure will explain everything to me if I can catch it.

There it is, flitting about on the edge of consciousness, and I try so hard to coax it out so I can capture it, and hold it, and know.

But it’s like trying to catch the wind, or keep a handful of sand.

And when it is far gone I am sure I almost had it, that it was so close.

But who can know?

Ranting

2004-10-07T02:28:02Z

Bryce...He went from my best friend to someone I barely know in such a short time. You know what, I can't remember the last time the two of us had a real conversation. He doesn't tell me what's going on anymore and there are always these long pauses when we talk. We're both uncomfortable and we both pretend to not notice it. When I do actually say something about it, he get's defensive and gets angry with me.
I bought a truck last Friday. 'Twas excited. The transmission went out of it on Sunday. Yeah, I'm definitely not too happy. It's getting fixed right now and I won't get it back until next week. Grr.
Don't you just love first entries that contain nothing but complaining?